Moving on to my second yes.
Again, I had an easy out. The weather was absolutely miserable. Roads were already flooding and it wasn’t expected to stop raining anytime soon.
A work contact was hosting a networking event for the metaphysical community in my local area. I had planned to go. I had RSVP’d that I was coming. Still, once I got home to change, it was hard to want to go back out.
I called my partner in crime, my co-worker and close friend, Chrysty, “Do we really have to go? The weather is so bad and you’re already not feeling well. Maybe we should just stay home.”
I heard the hesitation in her voice, “Maybe. We told them we were coming but …”
I should have let her finish. Instead, I jumped in with, “If it wasn’t for this stupid year of yes thing…”
Once again, I was ready to let myself off the hook, to rationalize not following through. But Chrysty is the one who told me about the book. She is the one who inspired me to listen to it and to try my own year of yes.
“No, you’re right. If you hadn’t said that, I was going to say we should skip it. But you did. You’re right. We have to go.”
Groan. Me and my big mouth.
Heavy sigh. “Alright. You’re right. We’ll go.”
I believe I’ve mentioned my social anxiety already. My mother used to tell me, “fake it, ’til you make it.” I inherited my anxiety from her. My oldest son has inherited it from me. I’m not so good at faking it, but I pasted on my best fake smile and off we went into the storm.
Long story short, it was a nice evening. It was a small group, thanks to the weather. And I already knew about half the people there, so it wasn’t as scary as I anticipated. And I’ll admit, I was pretty proud of myself for following through and actually going – even though it wasn’t my idea.
I’m wondering now if this blog will end up being all about me conquering my social anxiety with yes. And even typing that I think I’m getting a little ahead of myself. I’m not exactly conquering anything right now.
Just tonight, at a Boy Scout function, I found myself moving to a table by myself so I wouldn’t have to sit and socialize with anyone I didn’t know. I just felt so d@mn awkward and I honestly forgot all about yes. In the past, I’ve blamed all of this anxiety on my weight. But the truth is, I was socially awkward long before I got fat and odds are good that I’ll still be battling it long after the fat is gone. (Yes, I’m assuming it will be gone someday, though the little voice in my head says that’s not so likely if I keep up the way I have been.)
God, I really hope this blog doesn’t devolve into me discussing weight issues all the time. I am soo sick of thinking and talking about weight and diets and all that bullsh!t. Still, it feels dishonest not to mention it at all. It is part of who I am – as much as I wish it wasn’t. I am trying not to let it hold me back anymore. There are plenty of women who struggle with their weight who are still amazingly successful, my friend Shonda for one, Oprah-freaking-Winfrey for another. They are two of the most successful women in America and they both managed to be awesome in spite of their struggles with the scale.
So moving on and not letting that stop my yes’s.